The Rumpus Interview

From TheRumpus.net, an interview by Julie Greicius

Rumpus: Right! The book. Let’s talk about this book. You and this mortal HoopGirl have written a guidebook to sex.

Conrad: Actually, it’s a guide to hooping, the modern form of hula hooping.

Rumpus: Oh come now. Let’s take a look… “activate the muscles in your legs to power your pelvic thrusts,” it says here.

Conrad: Right, in order to keep the hoop in orbit around your waist.

Rumpus: I think we both know you’re talking about sex. How about this: “Don’t anticipate; respond to it. Push into it when you feel it touch you.”

The Making of HOOPING, Part IV: The Great Butt vs Buns Debate of ‘08

(See Part I, Part II, and Part III here.)

You’re probably wondering what this image of Richard Simmons is doing here. He’s here because he’s what popped into my mind every time I came across the word buns in the manuscript of the HOOPING book.

Buns, you see, is HoopGirl’s preferred word for the rear end. Well, after booty, but booty’s one of those words you have to use sparingly. For moves like BOOTY BLITZ or BOOTY BUMP, there’s no using booty in the step-by-step instructions. See how overwhelming it gets to have booty six times in a single paragraph? Booty! (Seven.)

Myself, I’m partial to the word ass, rhyming as it does with sass and slithering sexily off the tongue. Butt we both knew that asses (or their british cousins, arses) would never fly with our publisher. Then there’s rump, of which I’m also a fan(ny), but it’s just not right for a fitness book. And bum: too British, with that confusing other meaning in American. Bottom: clearly too infantile. Cheeks, trunk, backside, posterior, badonkadonk : none quite appropriate. So, with all the juicy ones benched, that left your standard collection: rear, behind, butt, and buttocks. All of which, even the last, I prefer to buns by a wide-ass margin.

So I’d send a draft of a chapter to Christabel and she’d send it back, and the butts and rears had been transformed into buns, buns and more buns. Richard Simmons, Richard Simmons, and more Richard Simmons! In bright blue spandex, he was, each time, there in my head. I shuddered, replaced the buns with behinds and buttocks.

And so it went, back and forth, the battle of the backsides, with Cbel claiming buns was cute and sexy. And me feeling as uncomfortable as if Richard Simmons was down on bended knee proposing to me each time she spoke the odious thing.

Finally we more or less agreed to divide the sum of all instances between us, and she used her buns in her half, and I peppered my half with my rear and behind and butt. Because that’s how collaboration goes.

And now that it’s all said and done, do I still shudder and picture Richard Simmons each time I see buns in the book? You can bet your bottom dollar on it.

Richard showing off his buns

WooooHoooooP

The long-anticipated book–   the world’s first English-language book on contemporary hoopdance (Japanese hipster-hoopers released one not long ago)  — is on its way!!!! The stork will be dropping it into bookstores in 2-3 month’s time. Stay tuned.

NB-This isn’t quite the final cover: notably, the final agreement between myself and my co-author will place my name under hers, to be preceded by a “with,” and thus identify my role as more writerly and less hoop-guruly.